tour de force..

Tomorrow is going to be the start of another year in my life. Finally, I’m 16. There are lots of things that had happened to me in my whole year of being a 15 year old girl. It was a bit hard and yet, I’m proud to say that there is a little maturity in me now. You know, I’ve always been the childish one. I would still play doctor kwek-kwek and jolens with my brother which is very hilarious in the eyes of the people with the same age as mine. My mom would always tell me, “lawen mu nala deng kasing-edad mo, memamakyesawa nala, ika mamyalung kapang makanyan (look at the people of your age, they’ve already gone into marriage and yet you are still playing such games). It’s not that my mom would like me to get married this early, it’s just that she wants to see even a little maturity in me. And I must say that it was already fulfilled, my mom and dad are now very happy to see me being fretful about my future. In our class, I was baptized as the future-oriented one, the one who is always hands-on about her future. I have never taken it as a negative perception because by all means, it is a flattering remark for me.

Expectations and strainS were also part of it. And I think in my Every year of living, these two factors would never disappear.

I’m afraid to lose because it’s painful. I’m afraid to take a last vow on my stage and accept the truth that there would be no repeat performance. There are so many fears inside me that sometimes, I would just break into tears. But the Lord is so good to me; He always listens to my every prayer which makes me real comfortable with everything I do.

To sum it up, it was a year of fun and challenging adventures which makes each every person’s life meaningful. May this year be another year of learning. Thank you to my family, to all my friends, to all my mentors and of course to our dear Creator for this great life He has given me. I couldn’t ask for more.

My year as a junior in high school was indeed a great one. Full of twists and turns and yet it made me even appeased to face all the challenges that would grow on my way.  But now, another chapter shall divulge itself—MY LAST YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, MY YEAR OF BEING A SENIOR, THE END OF MY JOURNEY.

I hardly know how to response with all these sudden changes of my life. It’s like I just got a whole day of sleep and then woke up having a different world. It does pain me to say goodbye to my III-Mary Help of Christians family for it was totally a fun-filled year of being with them. But as many of us say, beautiful things must come to an end.

Mixed emotions are kind of giving me a big hit. I can’t help but think on how SMA will be as we welcome new sets of administrators and mentors after the big evacuation event of our so loved mentors. That really made me sad but as they say, life goes on. I do hope that these new people in town would build a REAL CHRIST-CENTERED SMA COMMUNITY instead of DEMOLISHING it and That they would share TRUTHFULNESS AND TRANSPARENCY all the time (well, bato bato sa langit, tamaan pakialam ko kung magalit).

This coming June 8, 2009, I’ll be entering room 401 ASSUMPTION OF OUR LADY, adviser is MRS. MA. LUISA PEREZ. I do not really make a big fuss about having Mrs. Perez as our adviser. In fact, I am very positive about her, I’ve heard a lot of feedbacks about her, both negative and positive. But I’m more on her positive side; I do not want to degrade her nobility as well as mine by digging up her negative side. She surely would be a great adviser to the ‘AOL de ‘PEREZIANS’.

There are also a lot of rumors about our new classmates, well, welcome to the world of geeks! Just kidding… we’re not geeks as what others think about us. We also enjoy life the way you do. So, don’t be afraid to join our boat, you surely would have fun with us.

And this year will also be my first and last year as an SC officer. It’s really a huge responsibility. But this is the path I chose to take; therefore I should be ready to face all the obstacles that it entails. May the good Lord bless and keep me.

On august, I’ll be taking UPCAT. The second hardest test in the country next to Ateneo’s ACET. It surely is a big fight for I will be competing with more then 70, 000 people just to vie for very limited slots. Wish me luck.

I really can’t believe all these things. I can’t help but go crazy over them. I hate goodbyes. My last year in high school? Oh no!!! But okay, I have no choice. This is really it. GOODBYE MHC 08-09, HELLO AOL 09-10 J

A letter to mama…

Wow. I love you ma. Haha! Funny as always. I’ve been with you for over fifteen years. And I’m glad that until now… you’re still around. You are such a precious mother though I despise the way you act in front of me sometimes. Acting like you belong to my age group and all that then suddenly transforming into an old-fashioned Madame. Gosh. It makes me sick. Really. But somehow… those funny stances of yours kept me moving towards the limelight.

You and dudes (daddy) are my every endeavor. You light up every dark moment of my life. Remember those times that I was crying endlessly because I don’t want you to leave me alone in school? Despite my grudge of seeing you leave, the fact that I want you beside me clearly shows how much I love you. I may have been a bad daughter at times but believe me, it was never intentional. It was never my desire to put you in so much agony.

Greatest witness is what you are as I let drop the real meaning of my life. It was but a tough journey towards knowing my dreams and ambitions in life. You were there to guide me and support me. I fell in love and got hurt in the end. It took so much time for my pained heart to recuperate but still, you managed to stay and give me all the comfort you could convey. I failed to be a champion in the declamation contest, though you didn’t see me cry, still you said there’s no use in crying, instead it’s better to stand up, and doing such would make me a real winner. You have brought out the strongest person in me. And it really makes me glad that God gave you as my mother though we do not go in the same way for some unknown reasons. Haha J

Ma, don’t worry so much on how I’m going to handle living alone as I enter college. A year to go and I’m going to graduate in high school.  Yes, I know that you do not speak about how you feel about it, but you worry a lot, I could sense it.  You know how much I’m trying my best to be responsible enough to take care of myself. I won’t do things that could ruin all the pillars of my future.  

All you know right now is that I’m just dreaming for myself, but inside me, I’ve forgotten myself because my visions are for you. I want to become somebody great because of you. Though not enough, I want to pay you back through outliving these dreams of mine. Just sit back and relax ma, ‘because I’m going to make you proud. I’ll assure you that you would never ever regret having me as your daughter. Someday, you’ll see me as someone great and you’d tell everyone “hey, she’s my daughter and I’m very proud to be her mama”.

Always remember , when life goes beyond your limits, I’ll be here as your extension. I’ll be more than willing to forget getting married and be with you all the way. haha J I love you so much mama. Thank you for being more than a mother to me. I can’t imagine life without you we always fight but that don’t lessen my love for you. I always tell Renn that I hate you but I love you ma, I really do. I just can’t say it out loud. I’m not an ostentatious person and you certainly know that.

Happy mother’s day ma, I love you. Oh, this is the first ever letter I wrote for you J isn’t that great? I love you so much J

It seems like the world changes from time to time. But these changes, I expected them; they are nothing new except for the changes I’ve seen in me. Back then, I was just living life one day at a time. I do not fret about anything that might happen; I just ignore the possibilities and go back to my fantasy island. This time, it doesn’t flow that way anymore. I’ve changed. Really.

I realized that deep in my heart, I really have big dreams in life. And because of these dreams, I’ve gone through a lot of changes. From disregarding the possibilities to facing the reality. I became competent of the games that life offers each and every day. I’ve learned to swim in the deepest oceans. And fly as high as possible though I seem flightless at times.

Being born as the first child, responsibilities are quite immense to handle. Sometimes, it exhausts me to clasp them. But if I wouldn’t be patient, then success will surely leave no room for me. And I wouldn’t want that to happen for it will not only sadden me but also the people who expected more from me.

I see myself being a lawyer someday. A booming one. It’s a million of steps away for now but as I continue my foremost journey, it will be as solid as a rock right on my very palms.

Yes. I really dream too big. But what would I do with my life if not? For over 15 years, my parents have defended me against any danger or pain in whatever aspect of life. But now, the time has come to take my turn. My turn to give back what they have given me though they do not ask a thing in replace of what they have given me.

My dad is currently working overseas and that really leaves a hole inside me. He would always share stories about how hard life is in abroad. The feeling of loneliness and all that. Hearing such really makes tears cascade from my eyes. And I really study like there’s no tomorrow because of that. I want him to go back here and feel free of living with no worries on how his family would survive 365 days in a year.

My mom is the one who takes care of us, playing two roles at the same time. I do know how hard it is for her to wake up each morning without a husband by her side. But she couldn’t do something about it for she knows it is the payment of the longing to have a good life. A good but not certainly a happy one. I want her to feel safe having the husband she once had with her again. I want her to smile without pretentions as she teaches us the right way of living and I want her to feel the real meaning of family again.

My brother who is still young to know things like this. He needs our parents and me. He also has dreams though not definite for he is just a little boy who is fond of playing with other kids like him. But he misses having a complete family. I could see in his eyes how much he loves having us all beside him. He had told me once that he would want to study in La Salle and be a great engineer. He asked me to pay for his tuition when that time comes and I promised him that I would.

And lastly ME who sought for changes unknowingly. I’ve never imagined myself in this scenario, fighting like a warrior against the pain of failure. Thinking of others endlessly in exchange of forgetting my own happiness. Dreaming the dreams of my family.  But these changes, I would surely never regret them, for they brought out the inner beauty in me. The beauty of changing from a reeking weed to a blossoming flower.

She looks at the faces around

Finding something she doesn’t know where

She tried to dig up pass the crowd

Thinking that she’d get there

But it flew so high, farther than it seemed

Her eyes started to be overwhelmed with tears

No light seems to gleam

She sat there not wanting to feel the fear

Of not having the balloon feel her palm

Of not seeing its shape made by the air

She still wants to feel its balm

As she takes notice of her ocean breeze hair

The balloon was nowhere to be found

Her heart was busted

The sky took it and made the pain so profound

The memories she knew would last

Suddenly became ensnared in a wintery season

Of urges of throbbing, mourning and wretchedness

Going to the farthest shore alone

Making the hole of her lifelessness

She loved the balloon she had for lay

Though it’s gone now the sense of it will linger

She pledged that she’d be there someday

As she and her balloon will be of the same place together.

It hurts to see her feeling the familiar pain again. The ghost of the pieces of her heart is ripping her apart. Constantly grabbing her every breath, leaving her hands clutching as she struggles to pull herself together. She was staring blankly in the dark; no light seems to grow from where she was sitting flatly. She is now a stranger to her own kind. She was wounded, inconceivably wounded. She wants to leave the cage from where she had been captivated for a long time now. She wishes for him to save her but there’s no him anymore simply because he’s now just memoir of her past, a memoir of her painful past.

She had been badly broken. She had been torn apart. Everybody thinks that she’s irredeemable, that she’s hopeless, but I was never one of them. I wanted to slap her a hundred times; I wanted to shout to her that the life she abandoned is still waiting for her to come back. But never did I dare because I vehemently know that she wouldn’t listen, she wouldn’t swallow every word that my mouth would throw to her. We had been friends for a long time now but I never envisaged that her ever loved fairy tale story would end up to nothing but an awful song to sing.

Tears would suddenly well up her eyes without any concrete reasons, just the petty ones. She would babble his name amid her sleep. There are times that I get sick of seeing the same scenario everyday but my urge to help her is stronger than the annoyance of hearing her talking about him all day, acting as if nothing ever happened, acting as if he’s still in her life.

Time came that she got catatonic. She wouldn’t move, eat or drink and when her parents decided to take her to a professional, she started screaming and crying out loud, saying the words “I am okay! I am okay! Don’t mind me! Just go! Go!” That was the time I felt that things should be tied up already, I could not just stand seeing her falling into the deepest hole of her nightmare. She may have lost him, her everything but it’s just him. If he’s not someone good for her, a better one will come tomorrow.

LOVE—a clear evidence of her pain. She loved, she loved and she loved until she has nothing to give. It’s a revoltingly two-faced cheater, a killer who stabbed her deeply at the back, leaving her lying lifelessly on the ground, losing the courage to stand up and face life again. Well, that’s reality, love is not all about happy endings and there will never be happy endings because it’s all about drenched pillows, sleepless nights, fading dreams and shredded heart. That’s the intention of love, of a wrong love, of a wrong way of loving, of a wrong person to love, to destroy, to put up a society of the living dead, breathing but not living.

The shore is waiting for her as she say goodbye to the deep water she was soaked in for the long-lived days of her life. The sun will smile at her again and the moon will sing its greatest lullaby as she peacefully sleeps at night. It’s not apparent to forget everything but I firmly believe that my friend would someday walk up to me, having that gleeful smile on her face again. I know she just needs time to think and fix herself. She may be like a broken vase now but I know a day will come; someone will help her to put all the broken pieces together and be as one again. Love will not be the cheater or the killer anymore, because the right love will be found, the right way of loving will be done and the right person will come.

Each and every one of us is afraid to be vanquished. We’re all troubled to be left-out. But as they say, life isn’t always fair. Everything is not for certain. You may have it today but might mislay it tomorrow. It’s just about how you reasonably played the game and somehow became a warrior of your own battle.

Some of us think that there’s no life after an unfathomable mourning. We make ourselves captives of our own derelictions. We never grasped that the helping hand of God had always been there to reach-out and help us start again.

Same as you, the times I whined because of letdown are countless. I went through a hard time accepting things. But light gleamed through my eyes because of the heartening words of my mother. She told me that true frontrunners are those who are not afraid to try again after being wounded. She also added that titles are not needed to become triumphant. It’s all about how you’ve given the best out of yourself.

Everyone searches, everyone fights and everyone fails, but time will come that recuperation becomes a necessity. It’s not wrong to cry for a while, what’s not good is to let the courage within you ashen and let yourself be drowned in hopelessness and adversity. Life is too dumpy to settle for less, better make the best out of it. Look at the world’s beauty at its finest despite the despondency planted in it because life, after all, is about a quest for hope amidst failure.

THE SALVAGED BOAT

Life is sometimes fiddly. When you think that pain is over, another tribulation scene would transpire. It’s like it wants us to play a game where no one is meant to surmount. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t avoid the fact that you would end up being wounded by the battle you chose to gamble in. you would find ways for those wounds to heal and if not, someone has to do the will of sacrificing for your own well-being.

February 5, 2009 had brought the Mary Help of Christians family into a catastrophic situation. We are going to have a cheer dance presentation and the criteria were given later than we expected. And what struck us the most with those criteria is the one saying that there would only be 30 participants for the said presentation. We felt horrible with the news that had been passed to us because we are 39 people in our class who would join the cheer dance presentation. At first, we were declining to follow it, because we were already practicing together for about three weeks right on that time. Our instructor, kuya Mich talked to us about the matter. He asked some of us to articulate their purpose of dancing. They all had the same reason. Bonding. Yes, bonding is far more important than any pleasures the presentation would give us. But as kuya Mich said “the boat is sinking, nine of you have to sacrifice for the sake of the class, this is not about the bonding anymore, it’s all about you, self-sacrifice is needed and if you won’t sacrifice, then you are a selfish person.” His words became hard-hitting, he gave us 5 minutes to decide whether to stay or sacrifice for the sake of the class. And then the ruling time came, no one made a decision, that’s what we thought, not until Mikee and Donna walked up to kuya  Mich, and then we knew, it’s over. Tears overwhelmed our eyes, it’s like we were being crushed to pieces by the scene and it became worse when Agnes, Mariel, Anna, Jericho and Daniele came next to leave their happiness behind.

We were in a boat where in its capacity is limited to 30 and the number happened to burst into 39. It became hard for the boat to sail, the tides got bigger and cruder. It’s like the sea is telling us to let go and give up. At first, no one dared to jump over the sea because everyone wants to still hear the pleasant sounding-voice of it, to see the laughter of the sun and it’s pain as it hides itself to give way to the lullaby of the moon as it illuminates the earth at night, they still want to see everything that will be looming on their way if they would continue the voyage. But they set aside those prospects to salvage the boat believing that it would bring them more contentment to see us out of harm’s way as they go back to the shore and watch it go as far as it could until it reaches its final destination. And us, who were selfish and weak enough to let them set their final glance to us still, want them to join us as we continue the long-lived days of our lives. But fate wouldn’t let us, instead it bestowed twinge in our hearts as we turn our back on our pals who had just took a wave of goodbye to us.

These 8 people had shown that they really love us more than anything else in this world because if not, they wouldn’t do such a disgruntling thing. We are more than a family and our bond is something that wouldn’t be conked out no matter how many times life fails us. We would stay intact to find another boat where in it requires no capacity, no restrictions and no sacrifice.

To Agnes, Mariel, Jericho, Daniele, Anna, Mikee, Lovely and Donna, thank you very much for being our heroes and heroines. You proved how much you could sacrifice for your friends; we love you more than anything as you love us. Again, thank you, we will remember what you had done for us forever. We will remember how you salvaged the almost-sinking boat of our family.

Oo. future oriented ako. bakit? angal ka? i like day dreaming you know. aha :)) it’s so fun thinking about how your life would flow in the future. minsan, kahit kumakain ako eh nangangarap pa ako. baliw. pero minsan nakakainis na din eh, bakit? kasi naman no, sabi nila, too much anticipation of your future could bring the biggest disappointment in your life. let me explain that one. kasi, when you dream, you expect na matutupad yung mga yun but then again, as they say, nothing is ever certain, ‘pag ‘di mo na-meet yung mga expectations,of course, it would mar all your courage. iisipin mo na wala kang kwenta, at magbabanggit pa ng mga linyang pang-pelikula like..”saan ba ako nangkamali?”..”hindi pa ba sapat lahat ng ginawa ko? bakit ganito?. kainis. aha :)) pero ayos lang yan. cute pa rin ako (anung konek??)

since nasabi ko na rin lang na future-oriented ako eh sasabihin ko na din ang mga pangarap ko. aha :))

tag-lish mode ako, pansin niyo? eh blog ko to eh. pasensyahan tayo kung di kayo makaintindi ng tagalog.

back to our topic. 

i’m a highflyer. ambisyosa ang lola mo. wala lang. gusto ko sanang makapasa sa UP DILIMAN. OO NA, SIGE NA, HINDI AKO MATALINO, MASIPAG LANG AKO. PAKI NIYO BA? EH MASARAP MANGARAP. malay natin, eventually eh makapasa nga ako.

kaya sa mga nagsasabi diyan na matalino sila, paki ko sa inyo!! aha :)) wala nga akong photographic memory pero may humility naman ako no. at least, kung ‘di man ako makatapos eh pwede akong mag-apply bilang katulong, hardinera, tindera, matadera at lahat na ng may “era” dahil nga masipag ako. carry ko ang mga ganung trabaho eh kayo? ano? magrerecite kayo ng mga alam niyo sa kalsada? yung mga tipong kailan dumating sa pilipinas si magellan, middle initial ni barrack obama, bakit sumasabog ang bulkan, bakit dalawa ang butas ng **** ng babae. aha :))para hulugan kayo ng barya?aha :)) feeling niyo naman kakagat yang gimik niyo. mga baliw. retarded.

saan na naman ako napunta..

gusto ko rin palang mag-graduate as magna cum laude, maging abogada at maging topnotcher sa bar exams. oo na, sige na, wala na kayong paki. alam ko naman yun eh. wala din akong paki sa inyo

sa ngayon, iniisip ko na kung magkano ang babayaran sa dorm, ang semestral tuition, allowance at kung anu-ano pang tungkol sa future ko. cute ako eh (anung konek?)

ang nanay ko ay isang dakilang kontrabida. bakit? eh kainis eh. basta ‘pag naiinis na siya sa pagiging future-oriented ko ay she will look at me in mock frustration. kainis no? kung ‘di lang ako mabait mtagal ko na siyang sinipa. JOKE!!

ang tatay ko naman eh go na go. cool daddy kasi eh. woooooo. i love you dad

at ang kapatid ko.. never mind. makakonsumisyun ya mu ing alti.

masaya talaga. pramis. ang alin? kumain ng mais. joke. (may konek ba?wala)

aha :))

pero kahit dinadaan ko sa biro, totoo sa loob ko lahat ng pangarap ko. (uii nagsenti si ineng). hindi nga, totoo talaga yun. ang tagal ng nagtatrabaho sa abroad ng tatay ko. alam naman natin kung gaano kahirap yun ‘di ba? siguro nga, may katigasan ang ulo ko pero MAY PANGARAP AKO. hindi ako yung tipo ng anak na MABAIT talaga. pasaway ako, bungangera at sumasagot sa magulang. buti nga ‘di pa ako nabubuntis eh. aha :)) 

pero..

MAY PANGARAP AKO AT DAHIL DUN ALAM KONG MAY KINABUKASAN AKO..

siguro nga, masyado ako kung mag-anticipate. feeling madam auring kasi. pero wala lang. masaya kasi talagang isipin na aakyat ako ng stage habang ina-announce na magna cum laude ako. o ‘di ba? ang humarap sa korte using highfalutin words para maduling ang kalaban sa kaso. aha :)) at ang idisplay ang diploma ko na proof na nagtapos ako sa UP. o ‘di ba? ang saya?

hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron sa mga susunod na araw, buwan, taon pero kahit anu pa man iyon. cute pa rin ako. joke. mananatili akong nagsisikap at nangangarap para sa isang magandang bukas dahil sabi nga nila ang pangarap ay mananatiling pangarap na lamang kung hindi ka kikilos. 

hindi ako nahihiya, naasiwa, nasusuka, najijingle, najejebs, nalilibugan o anu pa man para sabihin na…

“FUTURE-ORIENTED AKO”

“EXCELLENCE DOESN’T DEPEND ON PRAISES BUT ON EVERY STEP YOU TAKE TO PROVE THAT YOU OUGHT TO HAVE IT”

Challenges are sometimes awful songs to sing. There are instances that they tend to break instead of building the character within us. But as we learn to explore the beauty of our living, we also divulge the purpose of all the challenges that enter our life.

It was never easy on my part to actually decide to run as an officer of the Student Council again. Because during my previous years of gambling in it, I gained nothing but failure. But this time God gave me the chance to finally prove myself. To show everyone that no matter how many times I fall, I still have it within me to stand up and continue the fight.

I contended for the position Press Relation Officer and I really had a hard time campaigning not only for my position but for my whole party as well. We were called as the “SMAGABRO” while the opposing party was recognized as the “TITANS”. Others commented with regards to my opponent saying that she’s too young to defeat me because she’s only a freshman.  But those words never gave me the confidence to jump into conclusions that I will be able to conquer the battle. I vehemently believe that the capabilities of an individual don’t count on his span of living in this world but with the every move he seizes to make his life something useful and progressive.

The campaign preceded for two days, and on the last day, the two parties, believe it or not, got the chance to have a bonding and get to know each other very well. All of us were baptized with a new name which is “BROTANS UNITED” which consists of the members of SMAGBRO and TITANS. Seeing two opposing parties exchanging many different stories about their life, eating together and taking hundreds of pictures is something unusual in the eyes of everybody. But that’s the greatest purpose of the challenge, to pull off an out of the ordinary experience.

The voting day came. I really prayed hard but still told God that no matter what His will is, I would accept it whole-heartedly. Hours passed and the counting of votes started. My heart is thudding so hard that I could not even sense what in the world is happening around me. Later in the afternoon, it was announced that I won. Yes, I won. For three consecutive years of struggling to be a part of the most prestigious club of the school, I finally got it. Big thanks to my boss, God. But I am not after the prestige itself but of the service that I could impart to the members of the SMA community especially to my co-Marian students.

It had been a great experience. It taught me how to value every challenge that comes my way. Before, I was after excellence but now I am after the lessons that challenges would teach me as I continue the passage of my life. I am going to prove that I deserve this blessing; it may be hard but no matter what I would still take it for I know, all my ever valued treasures would never leave me behind. They would always believe in what I could carry out as a leader and as a Marian.

—–THANK YOU MARIANS J